My Grandma

My grandma, Naomi Gail, my best friend, my protector, the one I ran too, is one of the best people on earth.  I knew from a young age, that my dad's mom, is amazing.  She was the one I called when "mother" and I would fight, or if "mother" attacked me, for anything.  I would call her and tell her everything, and she was the one that would calm me down, she was the one who would tell me she was proud of me, that I was being good, and strong.  She was the one, that when she told me she loved me, I knew/felt that she really did.

 When I would call and tell my dad, he would always just tell me, "You know how your mother is, just leave her alone. Stay in your room and just don't talk to her."

It was hard because she lived in Pennsylvania, and we lived....all over. Myrtle Beach, SC, Warner Robins, GA, Las Vegas, NV, Grand Forks, ND, Geilenkerchen, Germany, and Manassas, VA. I don't know why I never thought to ask my parents if I could live with my grandparents.  No, I know why, because if I did, who knows how my life would have ended up.  It probably would have been perfect, I would have been happy, I would't have been abused everyday.  (But, I wouldn't have met Steve.)

Of course, I dreamt about my "perfect" mom, the one who I could call my best friend, the one that I would run too, to tell EVERYTHING too, to cry with, to laugh with, to have healthy fights with.  I might not have had this person in my house, growing up, but I had the closest thing to it in my grandma.

So, my amazing grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 4 years ago.  At first, I didn't get, see, or hear how it was affecting her.  I would still call her every 2 weeks like I have been doing my whole adult life, she remembered who I was, we continued to have great talks......Everyone else around me seemed to be affected by this, but me, she didn't forget about me...........Until about a month ago, my dad was up there visiting, and I called, she answered, I said my usual, "Hello my beautiful Grandma! It's Kira." "Hello" she said softly, and then....she handed the phone to my dad, and I broke down crying. 

I know this is selfish, and I know my grandpa was trying to protect me this whole time, he kept telling me, "I don't want you to see her like this, I want you to remember her by the good times." But I haven't tried calling since this last time. 

“My Yellow Rose”
May 10, 2012

You are there for me always

In my time of need

You help give me advice

And you help me to succeed

You have always been there

When I needed to call

When I needed your help

After another hurtful brawl

You always know just what to say

To make me feel at ease

You comfort me, and guide me

You are like a warm summer breeze

You are my yellow rose

With your love shining strong and bright

Compassionate and stunning

You fill my world with light

You will be with me always

In my heart, for all the rest of time

To help guide me, to make the right decision

Together you will help me climb

I love you so much

I just wanted you to know

How much you mean to me

Your love for me has always shown!

Grandma –
          You have always been the person I run to, to help me get through some hard times. You have always been my role model and someone I look up too. You have always been my guardian angel. Thank you for always being here for me and for helping me grow to be the person I am today. I think about you every day! I miss and love you so much!

Love Always & Forever - Kira

Brewster

Well it's been a few years since I've last wrote on here, and so much has happened. We have had some family situations as well as some personal situations. A major event happened on June 21, 2013, when we had to let my baby boy Brewster go to Heaven. For those of you who don't know Brewster, he was a very energetic, loving, happy, spunky Chihuahua. He loved to play, run around, heating pads, laying in the sun, and he loved to cuddle. We got him and his sister, Precious, back in 2004. They were about a month apart, and were inseparable. Precious has always had an issue with her hips. Brewster seemed to never get sick, and seemed to be in tip top shape.

Until the beginning of May. Over the past couple of months, Brewster seemed to be slowing down, having a hard time jumping up on anything, and was loosing his pep. We took him to the vet the first time, and the dr. said that it's arthritis, and prescribed him some pills. A month went by and he still wasn't getting any better; he was getting worse. We found a new vet and what he told us will change our lives, forever.

Our 9 year old little boy not only had pancreatitis, and kidney failure, but could also possibly have a tumor in his spine, which would be the reason why he has a hard time jumping. He gave him some antibiotics and pain medicine. He was very skinny, you could see his bones because he wasn't eating so he lost a few pounds and was down to 9lbs. For the next couple of weeks, Steven and I kept Brewster with us. I think Tripp knew he wasn't feeling well because he seemed sympathetic. Brewster wasn't growling at him either. Probably because he was in so much pain. I would take Brewster with me to work during the day, and sleep with him up in our bedroom, while Steven and Tripp slept downstairs. We were on a strict schedule for his medicines, and he was on a specific diet. (Actually, he would only eat chicken, so we bought and cooked 10lb chickens. We did tried hamburger and steaks too. He did chow down on the steak.)

When I would get home with Brew, I would sit on the sofa holding him, and Tripp would sometime leave the room. (To help calm Brew.) It was unbelievable the things Tripp would do, you probably wouldn't even believe me if I told you. They even got to a point where they would lay by each other with their butts touching. (If you knew these two boys, you would know that this was pretty amazing. As small as it is, they couldn't even be in the same room together with out trying to get at each other.)

So after a few weeks of this special diet, and his meds, Brewster seemed to be turning around. His ears were pointy again and he even growled and barked at Tripp. We took him back over to our parents house so he can be with his sister and the other dogs, safe in his environment. He even tried to jumped up, in his spot, on the sofa next to dad. So we knew he was getting better. We had to continue on his medicine and he even put on some weight! You didn't see his bones anymore.

Everything seemed to be looking up until one friday night when mom called us around 11-11:30pm. She thinks Brewster is having a seizure and we rush over. When we get there, Brewster can't stand, and his head is cocked to the side. I am trying to stay calm, but that seems to be impossible. Steven tries to get him to stand, but he just falls to the floor. Steven wants to give him some time to see if he will "come out of it". Ten long minutes go by, and we decide to take him to the Animal Emergency Room. They take us right back as soon as we get there.

The dr comes in and tells us that he has, Vestibular Disorder. She said since it came on so suddenly, and that he seems to have a severe case of it, he should have a quick turn around. Vestibular disease is caused by a problem with the system of balance (the vestibular system). There is a part of the vestibular system that resides outside of the brain in the inner ear and a part of the vestibular system that resides inside the brain stem. So, they can't get their balance, they have a head tilt...etc. She wanted to keep him overnight, which we were fine with. She called me early the next day, about 8:30am saying he needed a shot of pain meds and that she wanted to keep him longer, and I told her no, we were coming to get him and have him see our vet. She didn't seem to care about Brewster, only about what all she could charge us.

We took him to our vet, and he said there really isn't anything we can do but wait and hope he pulls out of it. So, Steven and I took him back home again. It had got so bad that Brewster was no longer able to get up to even go to the bathroom. All day, all he could do was lay down. We had to flip him, and we laid towels down and had to change those every few hours because he would pee and poop. He was miserable, and you can see he had no fight, or life left in him.

Friday, June 21, 2013, we took him to release him of his pain and suffering. I was a mess leading up to this. Brewster is my first dog, and he is my first dog that I have to let go. But we couldn't be selfish, it's not fair to him. He was ready. We let him say goodbye to all the dogs. (Our parents have two dogs, and his sister, Precious.) We made a paw print with him and precious in this clay heart molding that my baby sister Rachael got for us. (Good thinking Rachael!!) We laid Brewster and Precious side by side, and she kissed him and laid her head down beside him. We let them lay there for a few minutes. And then we drove up to our vet.

It was me, Steven and mom, and they took us into the room. They took Brewster to go put a catheter in his arm. Each of us held Brewster, and when they brought him back we laid him on the table. I held his head in my hand and told him what a good boy he is and how much I loved him. It was weird, a calm feeling came over me and I had stopped crying. The dr came in and preceded to give him the injection. I was petting his head, saying, "I love you," and then it was like he gasped for his last breath, scared the shit out of me! I lost it for a second, but pulled it together for him, because I needed him to go in peace, and know that it is ok.

My little baby went to sleep and is now no longer in any pain. Up in Heaven with Cinni (one of Steve's parents dog, she was like Brewster's and Precious Mama Dog, she stepped in and would take care of them, like they were hers.) and all of the other dogs that we have had to let go in our family.

We walked to the car, and I told Steven, "It's weird, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like we did the right thing." "Yea, me too." And we did do the right thing. We couldn't bare to have Brewster stay here and be in pain, and not be able to even get up and go to the bathroom. We knew he was ready. He was such an amazing dog and I think about him everyday. He's my baby and always will be.

.."When you feel you can't do very much about something, do everything you can."

Mother

The feelings I have toward my mother I want to clear up, speak them out loud, then put them away and never think about them again. I am tired of them coming up and allowing myself to let her get me angry and sometimes blow up. I am slowly learning how to control my feelings and actions, however, I can only “clean my side of the two-way street”, I can’t clean yours too. I also need to learn how to gather the wisdom that I learned from my scars so I can live more presently. But I have to give those wounds time to heal which means I need to talk about it so it’s not bottled up inside like it has been for the last 18 years. I wish I had the strength to tell her how I feel; right now the only way I can, is through my blog.

There are days that I wish I never knew you, that I never had you in my life, and that I had no connection to you. I see you as a sick, negative person who only cares about yourself and lives in your own world and thinks everything should be done your way and your way is the right and ONLY way.

Did you do all of this out of malice? I can honestly say I am not sure. And I hate to say this too but I have always been ashamed of you. How can a mother treat her first-born daughter with such hate? Or break her pinky and never take her to the ER? Or attack her and put scratches on her face and body because she turned the kitchen light on!? How can a mother beat her kids? Yell and scream at them all the time?  How can a mother lock her kids out of the house when they are all less than 11 years old in their bathing suits? I have no happy, good memories of you or with you.

Let me ask you something, do you think you could honestly meet me and actually listen to what I have to say or how I feel and be calm and civil? I don’t think so because I don’t think you are open to listening and understanding how bad you hurt me. Plus, the past ten years I have been trying to put you behind me, to come to grips with what you have done and why you would do that to me. It has been a hard struggle because once I feel I have put it behind me, my sisters will call and tell me how you hurt them and my feelings just boil over and come back in a split second. I want to be able to control my feelings as I listen to them without getting upset. Which, I do, once I talk about it with my husband. He helps calm me down and lets me know anything involving her is not worth it, not worth my time, my energy.

Then, I feel bad, pity for you because it’s the disease that has some control over you. But I have told you many times you need to get help. Talk to someone; take some medicine to help balance things out. I will fess up and apologize for saying it in a manor that was inappropriate for and spiteful. But with you knowing how your mother is, you should have wanted it to be different for you and your kids, to break that cycle. It must have been to hard for you, or you just might have not wanted to change it.

I guess that’s what I am here to do, to break the cycle, which I have done. I go to a Dr. to see and make sure I do not have the Bi-Polar Disorder or anything else. I take some medicine to help with some depression that I have and I go and talk to a therapist. I am committed to do whatever it takes so that I break the cycle and to never ever put my children through what you put me through. And if they happen to find that I do have Bi-Polar Disorder, I will not be ashamed of it and I will continue to do whatever to make my life and my family’s life just as wonderful and amazing as we are now.

I even gave you many chances, I would forgive you and try to start with a clean slate, but you had to just ruin it and go back to your own ways. I have spent a lot of times wishing things were different. Wishing I had been adopted and that my real parents were out there, wishing I had a different, better, nicer, loving mom, wishing you weren’t the way you are so we could have a true mother-daughter relationship. It took me years to accept that you are just the mother who gave birth to me and I do not have to have a relationship with you. I have my mother-n-law who has been the mother that I have always dreamed about. That will bend over backwards for me, to talk to me whatever time it is, to give me advice on every situation, she allows me to tell her everything and doesn’t judge me. She loves me unconditionally. She doesn’t throw things from the past in my face, she doesn’t lay a hand on me. In fact we have never even had a argument these past 10 ½ years. She doesn’t call me hurtful names. She loves reading all my poetry and anything I do she is always telling me how smart and amazing I am. She loves me for who I am – that’s a real mom.

Learning how to open up and express myself instead of keeping it bottled up inside and running away has been very challenging and hard. Now, that I have been able to talk and just say how I feel and what I went through has helped release some of my anger and pain.

I hope one day you will read my blog and poems and understand just how bad you hurt me, my sisters and my dad.  

Open-Minded

Why do people feel they need to get so upset over things they cannot control? Or even worry about it? I used to be this way; worrying about every little thing, getting upset at someone because they thought or were doing something one way instead of the way I expected it to be done.

In reality there’s no right or wrong way to get things accomplished. It is like that saying, “There are many ways to skin a cat.” Just because it’s not done the way I think it should be done, doesn’t mean its wrong. Doesn’t mean you should get upset over it and cause a fight. What I am saying is that you should have an open mind. Don’t jump to conclusions. Get all the facts and then decide what you should do or say. Life is too short to get upset over the little things.

Another thing I want to get off my chest is why do people feel the need to lie to me. I get when I was younger I was a huge “goody-goody” but I have grown up. I am not going to tell you how to live your life. It’s your life, you’re an adult now, and do whatever you want. I am not sure if they are ashamed of their life and lie, or don’t tell me everything, because they don’t want me to judge them.

I have been blessed to have a man that has taught me to be open minded about everything. That you shouldn’t judge someone and jump to conclusions. That being kind gets you further in what you want in life then having an attitude and being nasty to people. 

Daddy

It was pretty tough growing up in a family where a mother had no problems abusing her children, where a father had no problem defending his wife and telling his kids to, "Leave your mother alone, you know how she is." Knowing that his wife has psychiatric issues and ignoring getting her help. We were kids, we didn't know that this wasn't normal, that this wasn't ok to do to us, that our mother has a huge problem and doesn't ever get help. Why? Why wouldn't you believe your kids? Can't you see the bruises? Can't you see the tears? The hurt? The pain? The whole time growing up, I thought that you always protected us; until just recently. If you were protecting us; you would have stopped her, you would have believed us and would have talked to her instead of yelling at us to leave her alone.

I can't understand why you wouldn't believe your own kids. Especially, when you KNOW she is doing something wrong and all you are doing is trying to cover it up so that your relationship with her will be somewhat calm and "normal". Not caring that it is tearing your kids apart, breaking their heart, their emotions, and their self-esteem. How can you allow her to hurt your kids like that? Don't you love them? This isn't a competition on which you love more; your wife or kids... but your kids should always come first when it involves abuse.

Why couldn't you push her to get help? That would have helped and none of this would have happened or would have escalated this high. Don't you miss talking to your oldest daughter? Don't you miss seeing her? Spending Holidays with her? Why are pushing your kids away? You are the only one who has the power to get mother help and you chose not to. I know your life isn't easy with her. I know you want to be happy and your not. 

I'm not sure why you are punishing yourself. You deserve to have a life that you enjoy and that makes you happy. You deserve so much good because you are such a good person when it comes to anything else but your wife. I wish I could understand. I need you to finally validate us; I need you to see us, to listen to us, and to hear us. And I need to know that what we say really matters to you and that you care.

I am reaching out to you. Of course, I want to keep you in my life. I want to see you, I want to call and talk to you and spend holidays together. But I can only do so much. It's not fair that you only call me on your way to work, so you don't have to hear it from your wife. It’s not fair that whenever I call you, you won’t answer because of your wife. It's not fair that you have to "check your schedule" in order for me to see you. It's not fair that even though I have made it clear that I don't want my mother in my life at all, that you still allow her to win, and to keep you from seeing and talking to me. It’s coming to a point where if that is what you are going to choose, then I am going to have to let you go because I love you, but I can’t keep putting myself through all this heartache.

Weeding

It took me a long time to realize that I will continue to breathe and live without certain people in my life. I always thought that I HAD to keep these people in my life even tho they are negative, always complaining, or being mean and rude to other people. But I don't. I have the right to weed out people who could be harmful or betray me. I also get to choose to have positive, uplifting people in my life. People who are there for me no matter what, who love me unconditionally. Don't get me wrong, it is ok to vent and if you have a problem, to talk about it. I am mainly referring to people who are two-faced. They complain about a person day in and day out, but then turn around and "pretend" to be that persons best friend. I'm not really sure how someone can do that.

Sometimes I just don't understand people. I don't understand why or how people can be so rude, hateful, or heartless to other human beings. They are just like us, they have feelings too. But then, when they are rude back, people get even more pissed off at them wondering why they are being nasty. I guess people just don't get the Golden Rule, "Treat others the way you want to be treated".  If you are going to be a bitch to someone, don't expect them to be all peaces and cream to you. It is not that hard to be nice and courteous. Plus, it will make you feel good about yourself. 

Like I said in a previous blog, the only feeling I ever really knew was hate and it made me feel miserable. I would use up so much energy to have a nasty, mean look on my face, to go out of my way to call people names, or to push them, or to just be rude. Now, I love doing things to see a stranger smile. Opening the door, saying, "Hi, how are you?", telling a stranger they look nice, or that they have a beautiful name, or a beautiful smile. Also, when we are at a store check-out, I make it a point to use the person's name. These small things can change someones day. You never know what a person is going thru. It also, takes up less energy to be nice. Just smile, and treat people the way you want to be treated. It's not that hard.

Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. ~ Swedish Proverb

Courage

I talked about how my husband saved me, but I left something very important out. My mother has a very bad case of Bi-Polar Disorder. Growing up it was never controlled, or even talked about. She was the main abuser in our family; and I was her main target. (Well, I made sure I was her main target. I would step in between her and my little sisters and make her focus her anger on me. I was their protector.) I'm not really sure what went on her head, and I am sure I never will; so I can only guess. Her mother abused her very badly when she was little and growing up too. So I guess that is the only thing she knew how to do. What is ironic, is her mother is a very head-strong, bible-thumping "christian" woman, hell, our family grew up going to church every Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday evening and that never stopped my mother from abusing us! It never made much sense. It was like we were living two lives. We would go to church and put on this huge fake persona of this loving, happy, "christian" family. Then, we would go home to this emotional, physical, and mental abuse. 

It is so sad. I never understood how a mother could do that to her own flesh and blood, to hit them, to put them down and call them names, or even swear at them. I could never understand why she didn't want to break the cycle. I used to ask, "Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong to upset her? Why doesn't she love me? Why does she have to hurt me? Why does she hate me so much?" I realized after many years of growing up and talking about this with my husband, that I didn't do anything wrong and it's NOT my fault. She is at fault. She CHOOSES to stay miserable, negative, full of hate and anger for whatever reasons she has. She can choose to fix it and break the cycle; but she's chooses not too.

Well I did, I broke the cycle.

I never wanted to talk or open up about my feelings with anyone. I think I was like this because anytime an incident would happen with my mother, and I would run and tell my dad what happened, he would always say, "You know how your mother is, just stay out of her way." or "Well don't say anything back to her, just walk away." I thought I was a daddy's girl growing up all my life. He was the one I would run to, the one I wanted to protect me, and the one I thought protected me. But, he didn't. Granted, there were a FEW occasions where he would step in and say a few words to my mother, but it always ended with the same thing, "Just stay away from your mother, don't say anything to her." All these years growing up I was sure he was there for me. But looking back now, he wasn't. 

This one time she actually broke my pinky. I remember her chasing me around the house, who knows what set her off this time, and I grabbed this pool stick to try to keep her away from me because I knew she would hit me. I'm not talking about a little smack on the butt. When she hit, she left red marks, or if she grabbed you with her nails, she left scratches. Well, this time she caught me and cornered me up against the cabinets by the kitchen sink. She held on with this death grip as I struggled to get out, as my sisters stood there and watched, screaming for her to stop. She got ahold of my left hand and while I was trying to escape and pull away, she caught my pinky and bent it backwards. I let out a loud scream! Immediately, she went into her defense mode saying, "I never touched you!" "Well, then how did my pinky get so black and blue, and this swollen!? I didn't do this to myself!!" I told her as I ran up to my room, locked the door and started to call my dad to tell him what happened. But again, I got the same response, "Stay in your room, and don't go near her."

I was never taken to the ER or the Dr. To this day, my pinky is still broken.

That of course happened a few years before I met my amazing husband. In fact, in the beginning of our relationship he thought that  maybe I might be going down the same path as my mother. That of course scared the shit out of me. At first, I was in denial, "How could he think that!??, I'm NOTHING like her". It took me a long time, actually a couple years, before I could even say to myself, "Maybe...Maybe I might be going down the same path?" Then, to actually come to grips and take a good close look at myself and say, "What if? What if I did have it? Would I be like her?" And instead of being negative, I said, "OK, if I have it I am going to face it and do WHATEVER it takes to control it, regardless if I need to take medicine or see a therapist." 

It was very scary for me. I knew I wanted to be NOTHING like her. And to be nothing like her, I had to do the opposite of her. I had to "man-up" and be an adult about this. Tons of people have this, and it can be controlled. This isn't something to be ashamed about having. It's a disorder, not a lifestyle. It doesn't have to control you, like it did my mother. Instead, if I had it, I AM GOING TO CONTROL IT.

..."There is happiness to be gained from finding the courage to change things that should be changed."