Mother

The feelings I have toward my mother I want to clear up, speak them out loud, then put them away and never think about them again. I am tired of them coming up and allowing myself to let her get me angry and sometimes blow up. I am slowly learning how to control my feelings and actions, however, I can only “clean my side of the two-way street”, I can’t clean yours too. I also need to learn how to gather the wisdom that I learned from my scars so I can live more presently. But I have to give those wounds time to heal which means I need to talk about it so it’s not bottled up inside like it has been for the last 18 years. I wish I had the strength to tell her how I feel; right now the only way I can, is through my blog.

There are days that I wish I never knew you, that I never had you in my life, and that I had no connection to you. I see you as a sick, negative person who only cares about yourself and lives in your own world and thinks everything should be done your way and your way is the right and ONLY way.

Did you do all of this out of malice? I can honestly say I am not sure. And I hate to say this too but I have always been ashamed of you. How can a mother treat her first-born daughter with such hate? Or break her pinky and never take her to the ER? Or attack her and put scratches on her face and body because she turned the kitchen light on!? How can a mother beat her kids? Yell and scream at them all the time?  How can a mother lock her kids out of the house when they are all less than 11 years old in their bathing suits? I have no happy, good memories of you or with you.

Let me ask you something, do you think you could honestly meet me and actually listen to what I have to say or how I feel and be calm and civil? I don’t think so because I don’t think you are open to listening and understanding how bad you hurt me. Plus, the past ten years I have been trying to put you behind me, to come to grips with what you have done and why you would do that to me. It has been a hard struggle because once I feel I have put it behind me, my sisters will call and tell me how you hurt them and my feelings just boil over and come back in a split second. I want to be able to control my feelings as I listen to them without getting upset. Which, I do, once I talk about it with my husband. He helps calm me down and lets me know anything involving her is not worth it, not worth my time, my energy.

Then, I feel bad, pity for you because it’s the disease that has some control over you. But I have told you many times you need to get help. Talk to someone; take some medicine to help balance things out. I will fess up and apologize for saying it in a manor that was inappropriate for and spiteful. But with you knowing how your mother is, you should have wanted it to be different for you and your kids, to break that cycle. It must have been to hard for you, or you just might have not wanted to change it.

I guess that’s what I am here to do, to break the cycle, which I have done. I go to a Dr. to see and make sure I do not have the Bi-Polar Disorder or anything else. I take some medicine to help with some depression that I have and I go and talk to a therapist. I am committed to do whatever it takes so that I break the cycle and to never ever put my children through what you put me through. And if they happen to find that I do have Bi-Polar Disorder, I will not be ashamed of it and I will continue to do whatever to make my life and my family’s life just as wonderful and amazing as we are now.

I even gave you many chances, I would forgive you and try to start with a clean slate, but you had to just ruin it and go back to your own ways. I have spent a lot of times wishing things were different. Wishing I had been adopted and that my real parents were out there, wishing I had a different, better, nicer, loving mom, wishing you weren’t the way you are so we could have a true mother-daughter relationship. It took me years to accept that you are just the mother who gave birth to me and I do not have to have a relationship with you. I have my mother-n-law who has been the mother that I have always dreamed about. That will bend over backwards for me, to talk to me whatever time it is, to give me advice on every situation, she allows me to tell her everything and doesn’t judge me. She loves me unconditionally. She doesn’t throw things from the past in my face, she doesn’t lay a hand on me. In fact we have never even had a argument these past 10 ½ years. She doesn’t call me hurtful names. She loves reading all my poetry and anything I do she is always telling me how smart and amazing I am. She loves me for who I am – that’s a real mom.

Learning how to open up and express myself instead of keeping it bottled up inside and running away has been very challenging and hard. Now, that I have been able to talk and just say how I feel and what I went through has helped release some of my anger and pain.

I hope one day you will read my blog and poems and understand just how bad you hurt me, my sisters and my dad.